an advertisment

For all you keen walkers across the land, love country hikes but fed up can't be bothered with life.
Enjoy rambling but can no longer see the point then this is the very thing for you a complete book of

Great walks near the motorway, the book includes a full report of the most dangerous walks going and the ten best motorway walks the one most popularly voted by the audience of the book starts with a slow stroll down the M1 then onto a meander in the fast lane of the M6 then ends with a six a slow jog around the m25 enjoy!

Books in the toilet

Recently went round to a friends house for a couple of beer and i said can i use toilet "upstairs second on the right" he says and i went up and into the toilet and from the corner of my eye noticed a stack of six books, have you ever found yourself on the toilet so long you needed to read something like you couldn't wait 5 minutes. Then i thought maybe he is quite forget full because can u imagine going into the toilet without war and peace, if you have such a bad bladder problem that you find you need a book in the toilet i would suggest a bowl transplant rather than pride and prejudice.

When i questioned him about it he said "well i know it's daft but i tend only to read a book of conundrums when I'm on the toilet now i find them allot easy funny that eh?" funny no i think it's a scientific breakthrough your mind power is sharper on the crapper, then i thought hold on if it's that good why haven't they tried this on university challenge. "what was the name of napoleon's wife" "could you excuse me for a sec" 5 minutes later "is it josephenine" "correct 10 points"

present

about a week ago went to get a present for my girlfriend engraved and what a hassle that was, so i walk into this shop and say to the guy afternoon looking to get this bracelet engraved and i wanted the date we got together on it. and he took it of me looked at it and said ill only be able to £12 work on that, 12 quid for 6 no.s. so i said OK how long this gonna take he said about 10 minutes thought that was Gd, then he goes so you want the date on the bracelet, no i was wondering if you would scratch the date we got together into my forehead. surprise

door to door sales

When i say to Door to Door sales you don't think i mean literary do you!

Door to door sales don't you hate that trying to have a romantic evening and you here knock knock knock, and i ignore it and he knocks again , so i go open the door there's a guy with a front door in his arms. "Hi I'm from doors doors doors limited can i interest you in a door" and i say well i appear to already have one. but he carries on asking he's a persist ant little fuck, bear in mind he has been carrying round a door for 6 hours. he was actually carrying a door as if i didn't know what one looked liked, he could have brought a brochure but oh no here's a door in case you weren't exactly shure on the size. When i said no thank you and tried to shut the door he gets his foot in saying come on I'll make you a good deal.

Any way he left his business card and left after trying to sell me a door for the past 35 minutes,
However he came over and over and over again. So i checked the business card for a no. and phoned them up to complain like, and when the phone was answered i said "hello" a young girl cut in who had a stutter and said h-hello d-d-doors d-d-doors l-limited h-how can i h-help.

welcome back

i'm rubber ducky and has sponge has already pointed out i'm rubber duck i'm now back on blogger after a prolonged brake and just wanted say i'm back

Notice:

Rubber Ducky is Rubber Duck. We had to convert him to googlemail.

Thank You.

horoscopes part 2

horoscopes
now someone once argued the point to me that no its about moods
so these things arn't exactly the most accurite thing because how many different emotions are there not enough to be making money by saying today you be inbetween happy and sad

and what has planetariry movements got to do with your emotions because i my self am always over joyed when i here that jupiter is crossing mercuarys alinment. and i never have seen someone crying at the fact that mars and pluto arn't going to align foranother 20 years

Factoids

every day on radio 2 they have a thing called factoids and the presenters find out there own facts and share them with there listeners i thought i share some of my own more intresting ones with you,


The electric chair was made by the dentist,(if more people bothered to go to the dentist we wouldnt have the death penalty)

The shortest war was between zanzibar and england in 1896, it lasted 38 minutes,(france weren't the quickest nation in history to give up)

Banging your head against the wall losses 150 calories an hour,(for a less sternious workout that you probably won't even remember)

Americans on average consume 18 acres of pizza every day,(i know what your thinking and the anwser is no not each)

Febuary 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon. (someone needs to get a better hobby)

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite. (makes you wonder why there sold on planes)

Competiton

The local sponge are offering £500 pounds to any one who can sing
Bohemian Rhapsody-queen
by themselves without taking a breath. The terms and condtions follow
you cannot pause or take a breath and anyone who dies whilst singing will not be able to collect thier prize if you do complete this task email your recording www.tomuchtimeonyourhands.com

scotland and the world cup

me and sponge are both from scotland and when it comes to the world cup/euro we never seem to have a chance and it has sprung to my attention that every qualifing competion we are in are group seems to follow italy, france, holland, brazil and the pharo islands. now what seems to confuze me is where the hell are the pharo islands and more importantly why can they beat brazil 7-0 and lose 1-0 to scotland.

another reason we seem never to qualify is the dodgy mangers we get i mean berty voakes he was hardly the manger of the year four years running. we finnaly get two good mangers ally mcoist and walter smith and after three games they jump ship to rangers, so were left with bobby quinn who is pushing 90 and has no experince but was once present at a football game in 1926 for ten minutes

The Local Sponge August

This is our second "newspaper". Enjoy!

It has been recently proved that 5% of men admit to masturbate, (the other 95% are lying)

We did a survey which asked a hundred Star Trek fans what it was like to not have a girlfriend, this is what we got; a few responses were "whats a girl Friend, whats a girl and ewwwwwwwww.

Factoids

Sponge - Cockroaches can livefor 9 days after there head has been cut off.
Sponge - Men are 6 times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
Sponge - Tourists in Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant is an insult
Sponge - A sneeze travel out your moth at around 100 mph.
Sponge - The Goldfish has the memory span of about 3 seconds.

psychics and mediums

now another thing that really pisses me of is psychics and mediums, is just so fake i mean one guy will stand up in front of an audience of a hundred thousand people and say i'm getting a name it begins with j. now come on if they were any good they would at-least give you a name and on the rare occasion they do tell you a name it is the most stupid thing like OK I'm getting a john. Never once has one of these guys turned around and said im getting Farquar, or i've got someones transsexual great uncle Sebastian never happens. and they don't even know who it's for i mean what is this so called spirit saying to them my name begins with j and I'm for somebody in this room now go make a prat of yourself.

finnaly Derick achora what a prick you seen most haunted that will change your mind about spirittulism they'll be walking about a torture chamber and he'll turn round with "im getting some negative energy like someone has been upset or possibly hurt here" im mean come on it's a torture chamber severel hundred peolple died so there probably is a negative energy you dick.

Peanuts

Firstly, one of my main pet hates is the fact that when you buy a packet of penuts on the back it says "may contain nuts" now i should bloody well hope so because i don't want to pay one pound twenty for an empty bag.

Secondly, they bring up the arguement that it is for people who can not read and have an alergy to nuts, now, I dont now how if you turn over to the back you will be able to read the alergy advice on the back.

Thirdly, aparantly it's for people with bad eye sight, now if you can't read writing thats an inch and a half big that says "NOBBY'S NUTS". How are you meant to be able to read the small print that says in half a milimeter big "may contain nuts" .

saying of the year awards

of all the award cerimones there are i think it's time to introduce the saying of the year awards.

catagories such as; most lame saying,
saying that makes no sense,

most pathetic,
the kind the hero would say at the end of every cheesy action film


and then a public vote of the saying everybody hates the most, the nominees would include sayings such as;

evry dog has its day (whats the fucks up with that! 90% of all dogs just shit on the streets every day!),

a watched pot never boils, (If that happens to you then i suggest you report to to your nearest specsavers, 2for1!! you blind old goat!)

cheaters never prosper, (yeah but always win and you don't go to a race to try to improve do you)


SPONGE AND RUBBER DUCK

.................................Ghost Town

Are we blogging to ourselves here?!?!?!............. no, then please leave your comments, good or bad we don't care! Let us know what you think and if you think we should change anything abourt the blog.

Thanks for listening!

notices

firstly the video is gunna take a while longer than expected due to technicall difficulties mainly we have no idea what were doing,

in all seriousness though never mind the fact we hate the olympics please cheer on team GB, and bring on the the world ironing championships in October wich is nearly as intresting as the olmpics

GO TEAM GB!

beijing 2008

once again the time has come for the olympix isn't that greaT....


ARE YOU KIDDING THE OLYMPICS IS PROBABLY THE MOST STUPID PROGRAM GOING THE REASON ITS ONLY ON EVERY FOUR YEARS is because if it was on every year there would be riots in the streets

Also, who wants to watch some so called "fit people" run around in a circle? not me and rubber duck, thats for sure.

futhermore some of the events are getting ridiculous i mean they have the same old pish lilke running and gymnastics every year but get this! they've now added the male 20k walk, this event takes up 4 hours of your life! to top this of its on at 2 'o clock in the morning why would you get up purposly at 2 in the morning to watch,
or you know that thing when you cannae sleep and you turn on the telly just say you were awake as this evnt was starting why would you keep it on WHY!

I mean you know what the real olympics is??!! top gear! most prbably one of the best shows of all the time, now thats sport! cars

a joint effort brought from me and him-sponge and rubber duck

Reunion

Rubber Duck and I have been reunited in the same country once again. This means more blogging! We'll be able to write together now and no more 55 minute calls! So get ready to read some more as we will have allot more posts around early August.

Just keepig you informed - Sponge

Coming Soon...

Rubber Duck and I have come up with an idea to make a tribute video for ourselves. I will be making it and it should be ready in 2-3 weeks as its fucking hard!

Just thought you'd like to know - Sponge

horoscopes

here's a full account of what i think on horoscopes , enjoy

firstly horoscopes what the hell does that actually mean
horoscope look in the dictionary its not there the name is a load of shite well so is the content wouldnae wanna change the whole theme would you,

now how can any one belive in horoscopes how can someone actually
belive that if mars crosses the path of jupiter every one born in febuary will come into money where does this money come from does it fall from the sky saying that if you check the next one every born in may will drop a fiver,

Local sponge august

coming soon your favourite paper unfortunetly there has been a technicall difficultly

Suicide for noobs.

Hi, im Sponge and this is my wee book of tips. So far if you dont understand its because your a ripe tit. A noob is a complete beginner. Still stuck? Well go read the dictionary.

Tip 1: Starvation -
This is the worst idea, is long, its paniful and a terrible way to die, unless that's the way you want to go in which case, good luck. But you'll fund yourself scrambling for the Jamaican Ginger Cake sooner or later and turn out to be a right woddling, old, fat and desperate man/woman.

Tip 2: Falling from a hieght -
First of all: OUCH! I mean, do you wantto appear in front of god with your eye hanging by your socket, and a few scratches? I didn't think so. So no.

Tip 3: Watching Cbeebies -
Yes people this is the guarenteed death certified as a universal. Though, do expect severe brain damage involving getting the Story Makers theme tune stuck in your head, memory loss (to make room for more theme tunes) and ofcource just utter boredom, enough to make you kill yourself. Congratualations, youve just booked a ticket of eternity with out CBeebies, lucky bastard but then again you have to keep the theme tunes.

Final tip: Reading this book -
You'll get bored from improving your english skills and think about when you went to school and got bullied by this guy nick-named Fred Flinstone. And feel depressed so there for: death.

Hope you enjoyed, all writen by your favourite: - Sponge

detective inspector

As you guessed from the title this is something new. This is my latest and in my opinon best sketch that i have wrote. I don't like to write a lot of sketches, i tend to leave that to Sponge but this is my attempt of a sketch. To set the scene its a conversation between a police constable and a detective inspector, at a police station.


Detective Inspector: Hows the mission for the hostages going?

Police Constable: Not so well.

Detective Inspector: Time to send in Pig Squadron 2?

Police Constable: That might not be such a good idea sir.

Detective Inspector: Are you mad?! Pig Squadron 2 did amazingly well

Police Constable: Sir, you sent them on a 2 hour mission twelve hours ago!

Detective Inspector: True, they probably went for a celebratory drink.

Police Constable: I didn't want to have to show you this.

Detective Inspector: Show me what?!

Police Constable: A note from the captors saying thanks for the bacon.

Detective Inspector: Oh no!

Police Constable: I'm sorry sir.

Detective Inspector: I' ve been so stupid. ( long pause) I should have sent the delta sheep

Police Constable: i think it would be best if you laid of the animals sir.

Detective Inspector: What?! We've got a squadron of sniffer dogs, why can't we have cats in the riot squad?!

Police Constable: just not very practicall is it?

Detective Inspector: practical?! You're talking to me about practical?!

Police Constable: Sir, me and a couple of other lads have decided that you should move on.

Detective Inspector: You want me to resign?!


Police Constable: Maybe you should reconsider jobs sir.

Detective Inspector: You know, I dont get this hasstle from Cow Brigade 3


Police Constable: Sir they're dead.

Detective Inspector: Everywhere i look death


Police Constable: Maybe you should leave the force and work on a farm or something?

Detective Inspector: Are you kidding?! Farms are full of bloody animals!

I hope you enjoyed. Catch you later - rubber duck

The Local Sponge july edition

Welcome and your reading the first edition of The Local Sponge News. This is paper to end all papers, you'll never want to read a real newspaper again. This paper killed the pope from over-excitement.

Enjoy!

BIG BEN GETS SCREWED

Big Ben did not chime this morning as the man who runs it forgot his watch.

Today...

SANTA, REALLY?

In other news yestrday at 7pm ITV1 broadcasted a programme called "Santa, Really?". This programme posed the question "Was Santa Real?" and that it was time for children to grow up. I myself am utterly outraged and as usual ITV are talking pish further more many children are now depressed, many refuse to get out of bed and others have been reported to slit there wrists with stickle-bricks. Signs of depression involve toddlers trying to cook patrs of there body in there easy-cook ovens, My very own cousin now can't even bear to watch CBeebies, Rubber Duck and I were amazed at this but she just can't even see the point in this. In reaction to the Programme "Santa, Really?" We will be broadcasting our own programme "Trevor McDonald, Really?"

A joint effort by - Rubber duck and Sponge

The Poofy Bouncer

Setting: (John and Muscles are in the door way of a nightclub, standing next to the queue).

John: JESUS! You’re massive! Are you almost seven foot!?

Muscles: Aye, they call me Muscles Magroh. Im here to show you the ropes of being a bouncer!

Round here I own this joint! And I say who gets in and who dusney!

(Turns to line)

Right, YOU, YOU’RE NAW GETTING IN HERE WEh THAT HAT!

“Man with hat”: BUT… I’M NAW WEARING A HAT!

Muscles: Don’t give me that bollix! (“Man with hat legs it”).
Right you go John!

John: Excuse me please leave……………I don’t like your…..shoe laces.

Muscles: NAW SON! You’ve got to be firm! Try on me!

John: Right get out of here you! Weh your bad breath and your stupid moustache! A dog woodny look at you twice!


Muscles: Right, get out of here! You’re taking too far! I’m gonna rip off your head and shit down your neck!

(Muscles phone starts ringing with Abba - Dancing Queen)

(High pitched voice )

OH HI MUMSY!

(They have a big poofy chat for about 5 mins and hangs up)

John: WHAT THE FUCK!!!!! MUMSY!!!

- Sponge

the lessons of life

Hey its your old friend rubber duck and I've come to teach you some lessons. In life firstly altough getting drunk is fun, its not good for your health I know your deeply shocked but the morning after is not always wonderful either so be cautious. A good rule to go by and another extremly important life lesson is hitchikers. Before you pick up a hitchiker think what is a guy in his mid 40's doing walking down the side of the motorway going for a stroll i think not, and sure they just need a lift don't go blaming me thats all im saying thanks for paying attention and reading this.

- Catch you later rubber duck

Welcome To The Local Sponge

Welcome to the Local Sponge. This is the blog page written by your friends Sponge and Rubber Duck. We have been trying to make a Sketch Show for a while but have had problems advertising. Then we stumbled across Blogger.com. On this page we will be displaying some of our sketch's and our opinions of the world today. We hope you enjoy and if not then you knowwhere you can stick it. We will take any complaints at www.goscrewyourself.com.

- Sponge & Rubber Duck